Monday, October 16, 2006

The "Exhaustive Managerial Search" is Over.

If nothing else, this should be entertaining.

Thursday, August 17, 2006



Friday, August 04, 2006

EDITORIAL--My Lungs to Hendry: "Save Us!"

Well, it's finally happened. Jim Hendry's stupid confidence in Dusty Baker has caused me to do something drastic to end this nonsense. I'm going to start smoking in protest. That's right, Jim Hendry. From this day forth, each day that Dusty Baker is the manager of the Chicago Cubs, I am going to smoke a cigarette.

I'm not a smoker, Jim. I'm not going to enjoy it. My hair, clothes, and breath will stink, my teeth will stain, my food will taste bland, and my wife will probably hate me. But none of it can be as bad as watching your stinky, bland team on the field, and hating them.

An artist's rendition of the current condition of my lungs.

What Jim Hendry can prevent my lungs from becoming.

The Surgeon General has said smoking is bad for you, Jim. It may even kill me. But no more than your team is killing me right now.

So, Jim, do the right thing. If not for me, if not for the fans of the Cubs out there, for my pink and beautiful lungs. Save them, Jim, before they become black enough to play in a day game for your idiot manager.

Thursday, August 03, 2006


shamelessly stolen from ARMY MEN, the Harvard Lampoon publication from the mid 1980s.

I remember I was hammering on a fence in the west pasture when Papa approached. He was carrying a letter or something in his hand, and he looked worried.

I continued to hammer as he came toward me. "Son," he said, "why are you hammering on that fence? It already has plenty of nails in it."

"Oh, I’m not using nails, Papa," I replied. "I’m just hammering." With that, I returned to my hammering.

Papa asked me to stop hammering, as he had some news. I did stop hammering, but first I got a couple more hammers in, and this seemed to make Papa mad. "I said, stop hammering!" he yelled.

I think he felt bad for yelling at me, especially since it looked like he had bad news. "Look," he said, "you can hammer later, but first –"

Well, I didn’t even wait to hear the rest. As soon as I heard "You can hammer," that’s what I started doing. Hammering away, happy as an old hammer dog.

Papa tried to physically stop me from hammering by inserting a small log of some sort between my hammer and the fence. But I just kept on hammering, ’cause that’s the way I am when I get that hammer going. Then, he just grabbed my arm and made me stop.

"I’m afraid I have some news for you," he said.

I swear, what I did next was not hammering. I was just letting the hammer swing lazily at arm’s length, and maybe it tapped the fence once or twice, but that’s all. That apparently didn’t make any difference whatsoever to Papa, because he just grabbed my hammer out of my hand and flung it across the field.

When I saw my hammer flying helplessly through the air like that, I just couldn’t take it. I burst out crying, I admit it. And I ran to the house, as fast as my legs could take me.

"Son, come back!" yelled Papa. "What about your hammer?!"

But I could not have cared less about hammering at that point. I ran into the house and flung myself onto my bed, pounding the bed with my fists. I pounded and pounded, until finally, behind me, I heard a voice. "As long as you’re pounding, why not use this?" I turned, and it was Papa, holding a brand-new solid-gold hammer.

I quickly wiped the tears from my eyes and ran to Papa’s outstretched arms. But suddenly, Papa jumped out of the way, and I went sailing through the second-story window behind him.

Whenever I hear about a kid getting in trouble with drugs, I like to tell him this story.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Dr. Strangecub.

Time to blow it up. Go ahead Jimbo! Yehaaaw.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

I still have a blog?

From the Houston Chronicle.
Chicago Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano had to be taken for X-rays and was deemed unavailable to pitch Tuesday after being struck on his throwing elbow by a fungo bat swung by Joey Cora.
I am without speech.

In other news, Ned Flanders, (a dead ringer for Paul Reuschel**) is reportedly interested in the Cubs Manager position, should Dusty Baker be let go. "Obviously, we're considering all our options." Said GM Jim Hendry. I'll let you read between the lines there, but I'm just saying...

Go Cubberinos!
**thank you stew. (See comments)

Monday, July 10, 2006

Zambrano Defects to NL All-Star Team

PITTSBURGH--After spending almost four full seasons of his Major League baseball career in the Cubs' organization, Cubs starter Carlos Zambrano has had enough. On Monday, soon after arriving in Pittsburgh for the All-Star Game, the Venezuelan superstar defected to the National League All-Star team.

Zambrano's decision came mere hours after the Cubs defeated Milwaukee to win the series with the Brewers three games to one, and to send the Cubs to their longest winning streak of the season: three games. "Now that we've won three games in a row, I think that Jim Hendry might re-sign Dusty Baker, and my arm just can't handle that."

Zambrano's right arm begged to differ. "I can handle that," Zambrano's right arm said. "If I can handle all the instant messaging he does, I can certainly handle throwing upwards of 250 pitches per start." Zambrano's left arm did not return our phone messages.

Zambrano thinks that playing exclusively for the National League All-Star team will prolong his career. "When I went to the All-Star Game [in 2004], they only made me pitch an inning. Only one inning! I think that if I only have to pitch one inning per year, I can pitch for the next 4000 years. If I pitch for Dusty, I think I might reach that by September."

Cubs pitchers Mark Prior and Kerry Wood were amazed by Zambrano's lofty goals. "He wants to throw an inning? In one year? Like, three outs? 'Big Z' is a total workhorse," Prior said. "He's not going to bat, too, is he?" Prior asked.

We caught up to Wood, who was similarly amazed, in a brief period of lucidity between surgery-induced anesthesia highs. "I'm sure going to miss Carlos," Wood said. "He took a lot of pressure of the other starters by eating a lot of innings. Who are our starters again these days?" When Wood was informed that Glendon Rusch had taken the hill for the Cubs on Sunday, he slipped into a deep coma.

Zambrano is expected to pitch the fourth inning of Tuesday's All-Star game. His next appearance will be in July of 2007, two months ahead of Prior and Wood's next starts.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Meet the Mets

Hey Cubs fans, I know things are bleak, but listen to this, and turn that frown upside-down.

Friday, April 21, 2006

This is no good. Oh no. This won't do at all.

I knew things were bad when I got offered Jeremy Reed for Derrek Lee in my fantasy league, and I wasn't sure if it was a joke.

Sunday, April 09, 2006


Sweep baby. Yes.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Hendry Gets Extensions

Cubs General Manager Jim Hendry received extensions today, in a move that drew mixed reviews. The fear among Cub fans is that Dusty Baker is next, now that Hendry has his extensions. "We were satisfied with what Jim has done since taking over in 2003," said President Andy McPhail, "but we felt he needed to spruce up his image a bit, so we decided to offer him extensions."
Hendry said he isn't planning on offering Baker extensions just yet. "Obviously, we've thought about it, but we want to take wait and see approach," said the GM, "obviously, we don't know, obviously, if it's a good idea at this point, obviously, obviously...."
"Dude, I had extensions before...big time," said Baker, "I don't know if I want to get extensions with the Cubs, I may be getting too old for that kind of thing man."

Thursday, April 06, 2006

#2 Starter

All I can say is, Wood and Prior cannot get back soon enough. Glendon Rusch gave new meaning to the term "Number Two Starter" in the Cubs' 8-6 loss to the Cincinnati Reds. He managed to give up a homerun to Reds pitcher, Bronson Arroyo, who had never hit a homerun before he faced the G-unit. Infact, before Wednesday, Arroyo had barely hit anything at all. He had a total of 4 hits in 55 career at bats, with a .077 batting average and 33 strikeouts. His last hit was on Oct. 2, 2001.

Go #2!

Cubs Eliminated from Playoff Contention

CHICAGO--Friday's 2006 home opener for the Chicago Cubs was soured by the news that the Cubs had been mathematically eliminated from playoff contention. The news came after the entire 25-man rosters of the St. Louis Cardinals, Milwaukee Brewers, and Houston Astros all survived the opening week of the season without dying.

"Well, it's disappointing," Cubs manager Dusty Baker said. "When you look over at the other dugout and you see 25 guys all sitting there in uniform, it breaks your heart a little bit, dude."

The 2006 season was marred in its earliest stages after consecutive seasons in which the Cubs failed to make the playoffs due to the continued existence of teams like the Cardinals, Astros, San Diego Padres, Los Angeles Dodgers, New York Yankees, Oakland Athletics, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, Minnesota Twins, Chicago White Sox, and Boston Red Sox.

"You have to figure if the top eight or ten teams in the league for the past few years were wiped off the planet by some sort of supervirus that only affects outstanding athletes, that we would have probably made the playoffs the last two years as well as this year," Cubs General Manager Jim Hendry said. "But as far as I know, there is no such virus, nor have there been any natural disasters localized to those teams' clubhouses, so we were eliminated a little early this year."

Neifi Perez hoped for elimination of the top teams as well. "You have to realize that if the top eight teams just vanished into the Bermuda Triangle, or something, that would eliminate 200 more players who are all better than I am. Cha-ching!"

News of the elimination inspired pitching coach Larry Rothschild to begin a strenuous and highly-dangerous rehabilitation progam for pitchers Kerry Wood and Mark Prior. "As soon as I heard we had been eliminated, I decided to put as much stress as possible on those guys' arms, just so they're extra-special ready for the 2007 season."

Details about Rothschild's new, unorthodox program were vague, but rumors circulated that both pitchers will be keelhauled, quartered, and then forced to serve for six months' time on an Arctic fishing boat.

"I had to put them on the fishing boat, because I just missed the signups for the heavyweight all-right-handed arm wrestling tournament," Rothschild said.

Neither Wood nor Prior could be reached for comment, as they were both at base jumping class.

News of the Cubs elimination reached the Cardinals players, as the fact that no one had died was posted on the Wrigley scoreboard before the game. "I'm sure it's disappointing for them," Cardinals first baseman Albert Pujols said as he reacted to external stimuli. "There's not much left for them to play for," Pujols added, metabolizing.

"They have 159 games left after today's game, which would normally leave them plenty of time to catch up," Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa said as he inhaled oxygen and exhaled carbon dioxide. "But when you have three whole teams in front of you who are all still alive, you're pretty much stuck just playing out the rest of the season."

Cubs trainer Mark O'Neal declared three Cardinal players dead before the first pitch of the opener, but his diagnosis was proven incorrect when those three players were seen playing pepper and dividing cells.

"Those guys just have to hang in there now that they're eliminated," said Cardinals third baseman Scott Rolen, clearly having a soul. "Teams get eliminated early sometimes, but you have to stay positive," he said as he grew slightly and played with his biological offspring.

"There's always next year."